Four years ago I was working with a team in Mauritania to put together a joint military training exercise.
After spending a few nights on a rooftop in the desert, eating goat with as much sand as rice, we headed back to Nouakchott. Protected from the heat of the sun in an air-conditioned Toyota Land Cruiser, the vehicle of choice for austere conditions the world over, we were flying over what was supposed to be a two-lane highway, but with gaps in the concrete the size of a tractor trailer. Finally, as we reached the outer limits of the city we slowed to a crawl.
As we bumped along the market road, I looked out the window and down the road and saw a woman walking along the side in the direction opposite the one we were traveling. I say walking, but that is an understatement.
She was striding.
Tall, black, with one child strapped to her front and another to her back. Each hand carried a bucket filled with her wares for the market, she was a woman moving with purpose. All while balancing another basket of sorts on her head.
I remember sitting in the passenger’s seat and just staring. It seemed a feat of strength, granted perhaps, one born from necessity vice days at the CrossFit gym, but impressive and powerful nonetheless.
For a time, I watched her coming in our direction, her stride never faltering. When she drew alongside the car, I asked my colleague, “Do you see that woman?”
“Yeah”, he said.
“She’s amazing,” I said. “I don’t think I’m that strong, and I’m pretty tough.” I made some other comment. Knowing me it probably had something to do with how soft we are in the West.
Then he said something that years later, I still haven’t forgotten,
“You’re as strong as you need to be.”
The Character of a Woman
We are all products of our experiences. Our struggles, our triumphs, our childhood, our relationships…all of these shape who we are. The woman I saw in Mauritania, laden with goods and children adroitly making her way through the market…it goes without saying she had done that a few times before.
Likewise, as we begin to talk about the character of a woman, I am going to propose that character and in this case strength, does not happen by coincidence. It has to be developed…deliberately. Particularly the emotional, mental, and spiritual strength that will enable us to meet the task God has set for us.
Strong, But Not Too Strong
Truth is, we expect women to have a certain kind of intestinal fortitude.
But we make exceptions.
We want her to be strong, but not too strong.
You know the kind of ‘strength’ that keeps a woman with an abusive husband, but doesn’t quite give her the courage to leave him. Or the kind of ‘grace’ needed to bear up under a life that is not of her own choosing, but never the strength to say “No. I’m not going to do this”. Strong enough to cater to a husband’s ego, but not strong enough be iron that sharpens iron. Strong enough to handle the demands of family and children, but rarely strong enough to set clear boundaries around her time or energy. Strong enough to serve, but not strong enough to lead.
And if we’re really honest, not only have we discouraged women from being ‘too strong’, we’ve encouraged a kind of frailty and weakness that is not only actively harmful to women, but it also is in direct opposition to what the Scripture actually says.
The result? As women, we many times avoid the experiences would develop this core of internal strength. We run from them.
Running Into the Wind
I’ve told the story before how the Holy Spirit demonstrated this to me as I was running with my husband.
One early morning run, just as we turned to come back up the last hill, seemingly out of nowhere, a gust of wind hit us in the face. Now of course, it wasn’t out of nowhere. The wind was blowing before, but since we were running downhill, that’s just wind at your back, so who cares, right?
Eventually, about a quarter mile in, I had the bright idea to just run behind Jim. He’s bigger, he’s taller. It makes sense to just let him block the wind. So I tucked in behind him and continued running. We’re striding along and about half way up the hill as I’m thinking what a great idea this was, I hear the Spirit’s voice,
“This is exactly what women do”.
Of course I said, “What?” because I don’t know about you, but I know when the Spirit is speaking to me. The voice is clear; it’s calm, and mostly importantly it isn’t mine.
“This is what women do,” the Spirit said.
Now at this point, I’m defensive because this hill is steep. And the wind is blowing. So I’m like, “What’s the problem here?” But then the Spirit says in that still, small voice,
“When you’re behind your husband, you can’t see where I’m leading you.”
“Oh.”
What the Fall Really Means
Look, I get it.
We proclaim a faith that teaches one woman’s actions as the beginning of the fall of humankind.
But not only do we teach one woman as the reason for sin, shame and suffering, the rest of us also carry her taint.
So we have to be constantly guarded…protected from ourselves. Protecting others from us if we’re honest about the implication. Shielded from anything too strenuous or important. Allowed to give our opinion at home, but “Jesus take the wheel” when it comes time to make a decision. Constantly impressed upon us that our failure is different. Our failure, our not being right has special consequences that could lead to the downfall of our husbands, our children…everyone around us, in fact.
What this means is that most women operate from a place of fear. Who wants to make any mistakes, or fail, or take any more responsibility after that?
But that’s the stick. The carrot is that if we’re quiet, if we behave, we’ll be “protected”. You won’t “have to work”. You’ll be “taken care of”. You’ll be treated well. We’ll respect you. We won’t insult you. We’ll say nice things about you…even as we’re degrading every other woman around you.
It’s the carrot that most women fall for. It makes us feel special and it strokes our egos just a little bit…if we’re honest. But what if in that all-too-human desire for ease and comfort, we’re giving up the very means and methods by which we gain endurance? By which we develop strength? Grace? Wisdom?
Real Strength
Proverbs 31 is actually pretty empowering.
It talks plainly about a woman who is financially independent, and who plays a significant role in the economic success of her family. Whose time is better spent paying someone else to scrub the toilet and do the grocery shopping. What else do you think those maidservants were for? Proverbs says that the virtuous woman (strength, not chastity) strengthens her arms to work. That SHE provides for her family, financially and otherwise. That SHE is the one who makes the investment decisions. That SHE is the one who stretches out her hand to the poor.
I must admit my curiosity.
How have we offered women a model that is the exact opposite of what Scripture actually says and yet call it Christianity?
I think this is one of those areas where the church has confused culture with Christ. Particularly in the West. And based on my reading of economics and history and race in the US, I think I understand why.
Accepting the protection that a man offers, as opposed to forging your own path either alone, or alongside your partner can seem like an incredible relief. Letting him make the decisions, the tough calls. Letting him carry the responsibility. All of that can seem incredibly soothing and comforting. To never have to make another decision. To never be responsible. To never fail. To never be wrong?
But if this is what we were supposed to do, if this is how we were supposed to live, then God wouldn’t have ensured that this chapter would be tucked away at the end of a book in which the author has nothing else kind to say about women. Jesus would not have made a point of appearing “first to Mary”. Peter went to the tomb as well. Yet Jesus told Mary to go tell my disciples. This was simply the culmination of the example that Jesus set throughout His entire life and ministry.
In too much of the church today, we’ve decided Jesus’ example doesn’t actually matter, that women are to be restored through childbirth, suffering and silence. I believe if we look around, we will see that our acquiescence has had damaging effects on society writ large.
A Different Kind of Strength
Perhaps, it’s time for a different kind of strength.
I ask myself what the world around us would look like if we indeed, “strengthened our arms to work”?
Not just the work of our own families, but the work of the kingdom. If Christian women were engaged not just at home, but in business, in the church, and in society?
What if we didn’t pretend that stories like Adam and Eve haven’t had a harmful effect on women throughout history? What if Christian women were readily identifiable as an example of the freedom and liberty that is to be found in Christ?
What would happen if we stopped pretending that there is any wisdom in economic dependence? Or that sexual assault or rape or domestic violence only happen to women who are somehow out of their ‘proper place’? What if we actually had something to say about #metoo? What if we were actually talking about these things…in church? And insisting that our preachers and pastors talk about what is impacting the lives of half their congregations?
What if we were holding our husbands and fathers and sons accountable as brothers in Christ? As iron sharpening iron?
What if Christian women didn’t run from the truth? If we weren’t busy pretending we can’t see what is plain as the nose on your face to many others. That our protection, our status quo often comes at the expense of others?
If women stepped up and stepped out, would we find a compassionate approach to the poor? To those in prison? To the sick?
I think we would.
